CG's Slayers Fairytale Theater: The Nose
by Rocky and CG
Summary: My friend, CG's, take on the...oddly named fairy tale... This fic also features Allen Schezar and his sister. Oh, there is also a small discussion about smut for girls (AKA: Romance novels) in here.


Slayers Buddy Fairy Tale and Crossover  
  
Xellos: I'm writing a book. It's going to be abestseller.   
  
C.G.: What is it?   
  
Xellos: Yahoo Is Evil.   
  
C.G.: You're going to be rich.  
  
Xellos: And I have sister books too: Microsoft Is Evil, Webpage Builders Are Evil, Everything Computer-Related Is Evil, My Master Zellas Is Your God…  
  
C.G.: I think you should consider getting rid of that last one there.   
  
Xellos: Really?   
  
C.G.: Yeah.   
  
Xellos: So, what's the story for today that you do not own with characters that you do not own.   
  
C.G.: Did you ever hear the story of the three poor soldiers, who after having fought hard in the war, had to resort to begging as they traveled back home?   
  
Xellos: No, I did not.   
  
C.G.: They had journeyed on a long way, sick at heart with their bad luck, when one day they reached a gloomy forest at sundown.   
  
Zangulus: This is just great! Grrr… It'll probably rain too…   
  
Gourry: It's too dark to tell if it's going to rain.   
  
Zel: Well, since we have to sleep here, each of us has to keep watch for a part of the night.   
  
C.G.: FYI: Zel is human in this fic.  
  
Xellos: So it's scrawny Waterboy Zel!   
  
C.G.: You should talk, you with your slender arms.   
  
Zel: Gourry, you go first. I can never get you up. Wake me up when it's my turn.  
  
Gourry: Ok.   
  
C.G.: So, the others go to sleep as Gourry makes a good fire so they don't freeze to death. He had not sat long before a tiny figure comes up to him.   
  
Gourry: What's a little old lady like you doing here so late?   
  
Xellos: Let's all think real hard and guess who the little old lady is.   
  
Auntie: I live here. You can call me Auntie Aqua. Who are you?   
  
Gourry: I am a broken soldier with his two comrades who have nothing left to live on. You can sit here and warm yourself up; it's cold out here.   
  
Auntie: Oh, that's a shame. I will help you in anyway I can. Here take this purse. This purse is always full of gold, and you'll never go broke. Show it to your friends in the morning.   
  
Gourry: Really, thanks. My girl back home will love this. She eats a lot. I thought I was going to have to sell my blood to feed her.   
  
Xellos: You are going to need a whole lot of blood for that. Might as well sell organ parts too.   
  
C.G.: Then Auntie left. Soon it was Zelgadis' turn to watch. And again, Auntie came by and gave him a cloak. She left saying that whenever he wears it and makes a  
wish, it will be granted. When it was Zangulus' turn, Auntie returned and gave him a magical horn. A horn that when played, he can control people with it's song. They will stop what they're doing and dance and then are able to be controlled by the holder of the horn. The next morning, they showed eachother what the old lady gave them.  
  
Zangulus: Why do I always get the dumb, girly gifts???? Dancing… ::rolls eyes::   
  
Zel: Don't worry. We'll share our things.   
  
Xellos: And then I'll steal it when they're sleeping. Heh, heh. Idiots.   
  
C.G.: They traveled some more until they found a nice piece of land.   
  
Zel: This is a perfect place. I'll wish for a huge castle. So we don't have to sleep outside or travel anymore.  
  
C.G.: A wonderful castle appeared before them within a blink of an eye.  
  
Gourry: Oooo… The castle came with a carriage too! That is good because my girl is still at home and I have to go get her. I'm getting tired of walking.   
  
Zel: Why don't you just wish her here?   
  
Gourry: Because she'll hit me if one moment she's at home, the next she's here in a castle. She doesn't like being surprised. And then I'll need aspirin. I think she'll love being picked up by a beautiful carriage anyway. She reads all those smut for girls  
books with the half naked people with all the flowers on the covers. A thing like being picked up in a carriage is in these things.   
  
Zel: Romance novels.   
  
Zangulus: You read romance novels?   
  
Gourry: Oh yeah. Lina would kill me if I read smut for guys. ::smiles:: There are about five descriptive sex scenes in each one. Just have to skip the plot and all the dialogue and change the phrase "he embraced her flowery sweetness with his mouth" to "he licked her…"  
  
ALL: WE KNOW!!!! ::sweatdrop::   
  
Xellos: No, no… Tell me. Dani, give me one of your romance novels right now! The one with the hunky Indian guy on the cover.   
  
C.G.: All my smut has hunky Indian guys on the cover. Getting back to the story…  
  
Xellos: Awww… I want smut.   
  
C.G.: Once in a while, they traveled to nearby kingdoms and visited the king or queen just to show off they were rich. One day, they came to the kingdom of Asturia…   
  
Xellos: Oh no…Escaflowne crossover. This is going to get weird.   
  
C.G.: ..where there was a young king named Allen Schezar.  
  
Xellos: I bet this is "Pick On Allen Day".   
  
C.G.: Is there something wrong? Would you rather have "Pick On Xellos Week"?   
  
Xellos: With you it is "Pick On Xellos Every Day."  
  
C.G.: No, it is "Pick On The Podium Every Day."   
  
Xellos: ::groan:: So Allen says…  
  
Allen: Thank you for coming to my kingdom. *Darn it all! Not a female in the bunch to show off my charms to and hit on. ::sigh:: Though my dear sister seems to be growing quite fond of the young one.*   
  
Allen's Sis: You're cute. ::smiles::   
  
Zel: ::sweatdrop:: You are freaking me out, princess!   
  
Gourry: Be nice, Zel. She is just holding your arm.   
  
Zel: I don't know why, but I'm scared…   
  
C.G.: While King Allen shows them around the castle. While going through one of the hallways, Gourry accidentally drops his purse and gold spills all over the floor.   
  
Allen ::thinking::: There couldn't possibly be that much gold in that little thing. It must be magic or something. I can use something like that. ::smiles:: The richer I am, the more babes I'll get. Even though my good looks and charms alone should have this castle swarming with chicks already. Oh well… I bet they all have magical thing too. I read about them once in a Magic Item book.   
  
C.G.: So Allen invited them to stay for the night. This way, he can come up with a plan to steal the purse. He heads towards his sister's room.   
  
Allen: ::knocks:: Oh, sister dear? ::opens doors:: I was wondering if you can sew a… Uh…  
  
C.G.: His sister sat at a table making a house out of playing cards in front of the burning fire place. Next to her is lighter fluid.   
  
Allen's Sis: *That's right. Almost…burn… burn…*   
  
Allen: Nevermind. I see that you are very busy right now. I have one of the servants do it and I'll charm her while she's doing it. Goodnight, dear sister… Try to keep it down, ok? People are trying to sleep.   
  
Allen's Sis: *…burn…*   
  
C.G.: And so, Allen has made a purse that looks exactly like the magical purse. Then he snuck into Gourry's room in the middle of the night and switched the purses. The next morning, the soldiers set out for home, and as soon as they reached their castle, they realized what had happened.   
  
Gourry: Sh*t!   
  
Zangulus: Dammit, are we fated with bad luck?   
  
Zel: Don't worry, I'll get it back.   
  
C.G.: So, So he wishes himself back to the castle where the purse was…  
  
Xellos: Couldn't he just wish for the purse back?  
  
C.G.: What did we say about fairy tales?  
  
Xellos: People in fairy tales are really, really stupid?   
  
C.G.: Good podium! …and he ended up in Allen's sister's room by some terrible mistake. Probably because he was thinking of her at the time.  
  
Allen's Sis: I knew you loved me! ::giggles:: Come here, my little cutie flame…  
  
C.G.: Allen's sister grabs on to the cloak. Zelgadis, fearing for his life and so not remembering he can get out of there real quick, takes the cloak off and jumps out the window.   
  
Xellos: Did he die?  
  
C.G.: No. Zelgadis made his way back home in a very downcast mood.  
  
Zel: I am really in a downcast mood right now. Stupid, stupid, stupid….  
  
Zangulus: Well, I can see what this stupid horn can do.   
  
C.G.: So they go to a nearby city where Zangulus plays the horn. Soon, tons of people gather around them and dance in a stupor.   
  
Zangulus: ::laughs:: Now I control them all! I command you all to watch me defeat this loser here! ::points::  
  
  
Gourry: The castle, you dork!   
  
Zangulus: Oh right. The castle, then you. Got it! We are making war on the kingdom of Asturia! They have stolen things from us and we want them back!   
  
C.G.: So his countless numbers of troops storm the castle and demanded that the items be given back or they'll destroy the kingdom.   
  
Allen: ::groan:: There must be a way to defeat them. Their camp is right outside ours kingdom's walls. Oh yes! Sister dear, can you do something for your dear brother? ::laughs::   
  
C.G.: Within two hours, the enemy camp was burned to the ground.   
  
Allen's Sis: BURNNNNNNNN!!!!!!! ::laughs::   
  
C.G.: She then goes through the camp and steals the horn. She goes home to her brother where Allen immediately used the horn to summon lots of chicks. The three soldiers were now broke and powerless as they were before they met the old lady.   
  
Zangulus: ::sobs:: NOOO!!! I had an audience! I was going to beat you! Life is not fair!   
  
Gourry: ::shrugs:: Oh well, back to selling my blood, I guess. Maybe my Lina found some rich bandits.  
  
Zel: Friends, we cannot continue traveling together. So, I bid you farewell…   
  
Gourry: Are you sure, Zelgadis?   
  
Xellos: At least give me some sweet lovin' one more time.  
  
C.G.: XELLOS!!!!   
  
Xellos: What?   
  
Gourry: Bye. Are you going your own way too?   
  
Zangulus: No. I'm going to follow you until I beat you.   
  
Gourry: ::sigh:: You really need a girlfriend.   
  
C.G.: Zelgadis went on until he made it to the wood where the nice old lady had given them their presents. It was late again and he fell asleep underneath a tree. The next morning, Zel wakes and is delighted to see the tree was filled with beautiful apples.   
  
Zel: Something good happened for once.   
  
C.G.: Nearby, Gourry and Zangulus travel through the same woods.  
  
Zangulus: Gourry, you idiot! How could you forget that Zelgadis had the map.   
  
Gourry: But without the map, I can't get home to Lina. ::cries:: I forgot where she lives. I circled her house on the map.   
  
C.G.: Suddenly, they hear a loud, horrible scream.   
  
Zangulus: What the hell?   
  
Gourry: It's Zelgadis! I told you he went this way!   
  
C.G.: They rush and find Zelgadis, in a completely new form.   
  
Gourry: What happened? Are you choking? You're so blue…  
  
Zel: ::cries:: No… These stupid apples turned me into a freak!  
  
Xellos: Zel's fangirls slowly travel through the forest looking for him.   
  
Zangulus: You look so much manlier for some reason.   
  
Zel: ::sobs:: Why does everything have to happened to me???   
  
Auntie: Don't worry…  
  
ALL: DON'T DO THAT, LADY!!!! ::sweatdrop::   
  
Auntie: It seems you found the enchanted apple tree.   
  
Zel: Just great…   
  
Auntie: It is easily curable.   
  
Xellos: %$#@ that!   
  
Auntie: Over there is an enchanted pear tree.   
  
Xellos: …that will turn anyone into Brad Pitt.   
  
Auntie: It will undo what the apples did.   
  
Xellos: It's so incredibly simple: magical pears! Magic pears are his cure! Of course, Rezo is that messed up to think like that. Pears are so underrated. If Zelgadis would have just went home with Amelia, she would have gotten him all the magical pears he wanted! She's rich enough. He could have sat on his ass and eaten magical pears all day but no… he has to do everything the hard way.  
  
C.G.: Are you finished?   
  
Xellos: Pears!   
  
C.G.: Go and read some girl smut. Soon Zelgadis was turned back to normal.  
  
Xellos: And his fangirls left.   
  
Auntie: I am sorry to hear what has happened. Since you are all stupid as dirt, I will tell you how to get back at the king. Heh, heh…  
  
Xellos: Go Auntie!   
  
C.G.: They thanked the old lady and headed back to Asturia. But first they need to pick up some disguises.   
  
Gourry: Grrr… Why do I have to dress up as a girl?   
  
Zangulus: Because you lost "Rock, Scissors, Paper".  
  
Zel: We need someone that looks hot as a girl to give playboy King Allen the apples. Just flirt with him, give him the apples, and leave.   
  
Gourry: What if someone else eats the apples?   
  
Zel: The apples are addictive and taste great. Probably the best tasting apples in all the world. He'll eat the whole basket in minutes.   
  
Gourry: Really? Now I want one.   
  
Zel: NOOOOO!!!! Get going!!!   
  
C.G.: So Miss LaLa heads towards the castle and told the guards he…she had a gift for the king. Of course, Allen was before Miss LaLa in seconds.   
  
Allen: Oh, this is such a great gift from such a gorgeous maiden. You said your name is Miss LaLa? Such a pretty name for a girl like you.  
  
LaLa: Thank you.   
  
Allen: These look lovely. Say? How about we get to know eachother better in my private chambers and eat them? I love to talk for hours and watch sunsets.   
  
LaLa: I got to get going. ::nervous laughter:: Maybe some other time.   
  
Allen: What's your rush? Come on, I don't bite… Let's…  
  
Whack  
  
LaLa: Bye! ::giggles::   
  
Allen: Will you be back soon?   
  
LaLa: Maybe. ::leaves::   
  
Allen: I love when girls play hard-to-get. She's a strong girl. Big too. I like that. I'm hungry. I think I should eat these or she'll be insulted.  
  
C.G.: The next morning, after all the apples have been gobbled up, everyone gives Allen strange looks.   
  
Allen's Sis: Brother dear… ::sweatdrop::   
  
Allen: Yes?   
  
Allen's Sis: Are you sick?   
  
Allen: I just didn't have my morning brew yet…  
  
Allen's Sis: No, no… I mean…you're a freak.   
  
Allen: WHAT??? ::looks in mirror, screams and faints::  
  
C.G.: Allen issued a proclamation that whoever cured his dreadful disease would be richly rewarded. A week went by and no one was able to help him. The soldiers were pleased.   
  
Zangulus: Ok, now get into the nurse outfit.   
  
Zel: But I'm smarter than you are, I should be the doctor!   
  
Zangulus: But I look like a mean-looking seductress in a dress. You look more like a nurse with your build. And Gourry can't dress up again.   
  
Gourry: Amen! I'll be selling my blood so we can get dinner tonight. See you guys later. I hate dresses…   
  
Zel: I don't want to wear a dress! ::groan::   
  
Zangulus: Or you can keep King Allen's sister busy while I torture him verbally… I'm sure she still loves you after all that.   
  
Nurse Zellie: Oh, I look so pretty! Pretty, pretty…I'm so pretty…  
  
C.G.: So they enter the castle and find swarms of fangirls all over the place.   
  
Doctor Emantsalon: What's going on?  
  
Xellos: I just love the fake last name you gave to Zangulus. I'm surprised, I thought you would only be able to come up with Smith.   
  
Servant: The king became very popular after getting cursed. Not the way he wanted to get female admirers. And sadly, they are fireproof. The princess locked herself in her room, scared out of her mind.   
  
Nurse Zellie: Thank god…  
  
Doctor E: Well, take me to the king.   
  
C.G.: The servant brought them to a blocked off hallway where most of the fangirls where.   
  
Nurse Zellie: Back evil demons! Back!   
  
C.G.: They finally enter the room where the cursed Allen sits.   
  
Allen: Oh please help! ::sobs:: I miss my beautiful body… The girls are going to kill me. Help!   
  
Doctor E: I think I read something somewhere about this curse. I believe I did. And I also read about a cure for this. I have to go and get the book from my study. I'll will return.  
  
Allen: ::cries:: How long?   
  
Doctor E: About a week, at least.   
  
Allen: If you try to be faster, I'll give you more…  
  
Doctor E: I'll try but you can't rush good treatment.   
  
Allen: ::sobs:: Hurry!!!! My poor sister and I can't leave our rooms.   
  
C.G.: The three soldiers celebrated by getting totally wasted off of Gourry's blood money.   
  
Zangulus: I think we should make him wait about four days.   
  
Zel: That %$#@ deserves five at least!   
  
Gourry: But we're broke. ::cries:: I don't have that much blood.   
  
Zel: Oh yeah… four.   
  
C.G.: So four days later, they enter the castle.   
  
Doctor E: Ok, Nurse Zellie. You keep the fangirls busy while he's taking me to the items.   
  
Nurse Zellie: Right! N'Sync! I got the new N'Sync magazine! ::waves magazine:: Lots of cute pictures of Justin!  
  
Xellos: I guess the fangirls start rushing over.   
  
Nurse Zellie: ::sweatdrop:: Save my soul!   
  
Allen's Sis: LANCE IS MINE!!!!!!   
  
C.G.: Zangulus is lead to where Allen's room.   
  
Allen: ::sobs:: Did you find it?   
  
Doctor E: Yes I did. Your condition is a curse that only used as an item protection spell.   
  
Allen: Huh?   
  
Doctor E: Sometimes an owner of a very special item will put this type of curse on the item in case someone steals it.  
  
Xellos: Another good case of B.S.   
  
Doctor E: The only way you can break the curse is if the person gets their item back and he breaks the curse for you. Did you steal anything lately?   
  
Allen: ::sweatdrop:: I… uh… maybe…   
  
Doctor E: Give them to me. I'll give them back for you and ask them to remove the curse for you. Take me to the items.   
  
Allen: Fine, but what about the girls?  
  
Doctor E: They're busy at the moment.  
  
Fangirl 1: The Backstreet Boys are cuter!  
  
Fangirl 2: Are not!   
  
Xellos: Backstreet Boys were there first, you bitch!   
  
Fangirl 3: N'Sync!   
  
Allen's Sis: LANCE IS MINE!!!! BURNNNN!!!!   
  
Fangirl 3: Stop that!   
  
Nurse Zellie: I'm going to go slit my wrist if he doesn't hurry up.  
  
C.G.: In a another room…  
  
Allen: Here, which one is cursed?   
  
Doctor E: I don't know. They all must be very valuable. I'll have take them all.   
  
Allen: Just go! Tell them I'm sorry!   
  
Doctor E: Ok.   
  
Allen: Take all the gold you want from the purse.   
  
Doctor E: Ok. Bye. Here… ::throws pear:: take this inthe morning. It's supposed to help. Nurse Zellie, we're leaving!   
  
Nurse Zellie: GOOD!!! I want out… ::cries::   
  
C.G.: They got their stuff back, got girlfriends and Gourry found his girlfriend on the map, and they all lived happily ever. The end.   
  
Xellos: Well, except for one…   
  
Allen: I'm back!!!! Come here, cuties! … Hey? Where did all the girls go? Dammit!   
  
Allen's Sis: I told them Lance is mine! Oh Lance…::giggle::   
  
*The fairy tale is called "The Nose" if you want to know* 


End file.
